Live Like No One Else So Later You Can Afford to Live Like No One Else!

I liked Dave Ramsey. He knew how to make a recession fun.

by Jessica de la Davies

  Live like no one else so later you can afford to live like no one else.

At least that was what financial guru, Dave Ramsey, was always saying.  I liked Dave Ramsey.  He knew how to make a recession fun.  He had Americans lined up to cut up their credit cards in new, dramatic fashions. We were chopping them in the kitchen with our new “Chop Chopper” which was only $19.95 plus shipping and handling.  

Thanks to Dave, we were hanging up on our debt collectors in record numbers.  “Why do you need credit?” questioned Dave. I liked it! 

Most of my friends were talking about the recession in terms of gas prices and what kind of vacation they could not afford to take this year.  Some of them were turning to staycations.  These are “at home” vacations — vacations where you do not leave home with or without your credit card.

I was intrigued by the concept.  No more packing all my clothing into my wallet to avoid the airline charging me extra for my suitcase.  No more waiting in line in my bare feet only to have my underwire push up bra set off the security gate alarm.  No more cavity searches for pipe bombs and having a scary woman with bad breath molest me. 

“Just when was the last time a middle-aged American woman set off a bomb on an airplane?” I asked, as the woman directed me to bend over.

“Oh, we don’t do profiling, Ma’am,” she replied, snapping off her rubber gloves and waving me toward the gate. There, a hostile looking flight attendant was waiting to cram me into my seat. 

This at home staycation thing was sounding rather good.  I Googled “at home vacation ideas” and came up with some interesting options.  I selected the “Make Your Staycation Like a Cruise” option.  

First, I renamed my home the “Freebies by The Sea” ship.  My kitchen was stocked with prepared meals from the grocery store and was now christened the “Grand Dining Room.”  I rented some movies and turned my living room into the “Show Lounge” — I decided to make it non-smoking.  

I purchased a deck of cards and scattered them around my bedroom to create the “Shipboard Casino Royale.”  Then, I dragged my mattress into my walk-in closet and taped Cabin 277 onto the outside of the closet door to simulate a real cabin cruise ship experience.

Finally, I decided to splurge and buy a baby pool for the backyard…and a few bottles of wine.

The first day of my “cruise”, I put on my bikini and headed out to the baby pool to work on my tan.  While I was lying in the backyard, I noticed a few weeds poking out of the grass. I decided that I would go ahead and pull them.  Four hours later, I was fertilizing the yard and clipping the hedges.  

Later that evening, I headed into the “Grand Dining Room” aka my kitchen and reorganized the pantry, while drinking a glass of wine.  I opened a can of Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup and popped it into the microwave.  

When I made my way into the “Show Lounge” to watch one of the rented movies, I noticed that there were cobwebs on my TV, so I got out my Swiffer.  I Swiffer dusted the TV, mopped all the floors, and moisturized my leather sofa, loveseat, and recliner.  Then, I headed into my cabin aka my closet. I fell asleep next to my shoe rack.

The second day, I decided the “Freebies by The Sea” would be in port and I was going on a shore excursion to do some sightseeing.  

I walked around the block to check out my neighbors’ houses.  Mrs. Hendricks was outside watering her lawn. She asked me if I would mind helping her move a dresser from her garage into her guest bedroom.  I helped her and was forced to cut my shore excursion short as I pulled my back out.  

I headed back to “Freebies by The Sea” and soaked my aching back in the baby pool.  I woke up three hours later only to realize that I had not applied sunscreen — I was sunburned.

On the third day of my staycation, my cousin called to ask if I could watch her 4-year-old son, Clive, for a few hours so she could get her hair done.  

My cousin arrived 10 minutes later and unloaded Clive, a laundry basket of toys, and a McDonald’s Happy Meal.

Over the next four hours, I became an expert on Clive.  For example, I learned Clive could run his dump truck into the base of my coffee table 73 times in less than an hour.  He also enjoyed throwing handfuls of dirt into the toilet bowl and flushing the dirt to “make it disappear.”  Clive could also blow into his McDonald’s Happy Meal cola drink through his straw to make bubbles to “decorate the kitchen table.”   He had a surprisingly good vocabulary, but he does not seem to understand four basic words: Do not do that.  The plumbing bill from the dirt in the toilet set me back $89.00. 

When the plumber left, I crawled back into my closet — I mean cabin — and put my head down on top of my Jimmy Choos. Somehow this at staycation was not as relaxing as I thought it would be. 

My fourth day aboard the “Freebies by The Sea” I called Delta and booked a flight to Cancun for one week.  I packed up my wallet with everything it could carry, put on three dresses over two swimsuits to avoid luggage fees, and headed for the airport.  

The booking agent watched me silently as I taped my credit card back together with duct tape.  He handed me my ticket and pointed toward the security check point.  I took off my shoes and got in line. 

I was feeling hopeful.  Maybe with a little luck, I would have enough room on my credit card for a Pina Colada! 

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