How To Flirt!

Relationship Status: Sleeping Diagonally in my Bed!

Mary Flexner appears nightly on infomercials promoting an exercise program titled Body by Flexner. Mary has a lean muscular body and says things like “A woman is as old as she looks.”

Mary shared with just 5 minutes a day, I could have washboard abs and buns of steel. My life can be changed for the low price of $19.95 plus shipping and handling. I bought it!

Before I knew it, her DVD arrived. Tucked into the envelope was a Health and Happiness Quiz.  I stared at the quiz knowing I would fail.  

Flexner’s Health and Happiness Quiz

(Score yourself 3 points for each correct answer)

1. Your husband comes home on his lunch hour with a hopeful look on his face.  Do you:

A. Slip into a Pilate’s pose and give him your best come hither look or

B. Leave him at home while you run up to Burger Royalty to grab a couple of Peppy Meals

2. Your husband suggests a weekend away.  Do you:

A. Invite Grandma to come watch the children and go or

B.  Tell him you hope he has a great time

3. At the end of a tough week your husband slumps in feeling exhausted and depressed.  Do you:

A. Sit on his lap and spoon feed him his yogurt or

B. Tell him he just needs to eat more fiber in his diet and recommend Oat Bran.

4. When you light a scented candle and crawl into bed wearing only a silky nighty Does he:

A. Cuddle you to his chest and whisper sweet nothings in your ear or

B. Read his Tom Clancy novel and inform you that you’re going to catch cold?

I didn’t even have to add up my score.  The test results were dismal. Come to think of it, the last time Hubby and I went to a hotel alone together was when the septic tank overflowed.

I am embarrassed to start flirting with Hubby after all these years.  Of course, what if secretly he pines for a woman who isn’t as old as she looks? I decide will go just a little beyond my comfort zone for the sake of our marriage.

That night our son calls me from the bathroom, “Mom, what’s this?”

On the mirror in red lipstick I had written, “I love you, Pooky.”

“It’s for your father, dear, to remind him of how much he means to me.”

Hubby enters the bathroom next, “Who’s Pooky?”

“It’s a pet name that I have for you, Pooky”

Hubby squints into the mirror, “How am I going to see to shave?”

“Now, Pooky, don’t be fussy. Here is your nose clipper, your shaving cream and your razor.”

Hubby asks, “Where’s the Windex and paper towels so I don’t slit my throat shaving?”

I continue, “And your hair gel, cologne and comb.  Do you need to use the bathroom, Pooky?  Move over. I’ll put the toilet seat up for you.”

“Out.” Hubby escorts me out of the bathroom.

When I think about it, I can’t believe how ungrateful Hubby is when I am being such a giver!

Things got worse:

When I tied Hubby’s shoelaces for him, he took his shoes off and went to work in his socks.  When I put his toothpaste on his toothbrush, he went to bed with dirty teeth.  When I began clipping his toenails in bed, he leaped up shouting, “I’m trying to get some sleep.”

The next morning, as I stood at the window blowing him kisses, Hubby added, “And stop calling me Pooky.”

I changed my relationship status on Facebook for the third time. It defaulted to: Sleeping diagonally in my bed.

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